Most mornings when I have a chance to sit down at my laptop, I can count on there being at least one or two cartoons, jokes, or funny stories waiting for me. Seldom are the days when there is nothing. A total lack of humor. Those are the worst because I like to laugh, and if there is nothing there to laugh at, I have to find or make my own smiles.
So it was this morning. All my email messages were, well, email messages. Not a smile in the lot. OK, I know it is Sunday morning and people have other things to do like roll over, or once upright, fight over the last bagel. But that doesn’t mean it has to be a somber Sunday does it? I didn’t think so. So I decided it was up to me to dawn the cape of the “Mirthful Marauder”, or for those of you from the hood, the “Homey of Humor”.
Soon, I was combing my archives for snippets that I have purloined from articles and conversations over time. My philosophy is that if it was worth a smile when I heard it, it was worth savings for the appropriate moment. That instance in time when you overcome your sense of dignity and reveal all the marginal stuff you have collected, knowing that there has got to be a smile in there somewhere. And, I’m afraid that time is now. From here on out, you are on your own.
- It’s been a bit of a strange day. First I found a hat full of money, and then I was chased by a man with a guitar.
- I went line dancing last night. Well, it wasn’t exactly line dancing. It was a sobriety test. Pretty close.
- A man asked his wife what she would do if he won the lottery. She said she would take half of it and leave him. He said “great, I won $12. Here’s $6. Stay in touch”.
- Giraffes spend about 70% of their days eating. So, what’s your point exactly?
- Cows have best friends and get stressed when separated. Now I’m confused. Am I turning into a cow or a giraffe?
- When one door closes, and another one opens, you are probably in prison.
- To me, drink responsibly means don’t spill it.
- I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
- If you’re sitting in public and a stranger sits down next to you, just stare straight ahead and ask “did you bring the money”?
- I used to run like the wind. Now I run like the winded.
- When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east”.
- Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. Those people are called cops.
- I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered “they’re right behind you”.
- So, apparently RSVPing back to a wedding invitation “sorry, I can’t make it. Maybe next time, is not an appropriate response.
- You’re not fat. Come on. Chin up. No, the other one.,
- People used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I would say a retired lottery winner.
- When filling out an application, where it says ‘in case of emergency notify’, I always enter ‘a doctor’.
- If you are paying $3.00 for a bottle of smart water, it isn’t working.
- I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
I guess that’s enough. You can’t sit around laughing all day. Boy, it sure feels good to get rid of all this stuff.