Valentines Day!!! The day of the year when a woman’s thoughts turn to romance and a man’s thoughts turn to getting lucky. As a veteran of many Valentines Days past, I can tell you, it is not quite that easy. And that is because a woman’s idea of romance differs somewhat from that of a man’s. To a woman it represents a time when they are showered with affection and attention while receiving heartfelt cards and gifts expressing the depth of the partners love. To the guy, it means a chance for sex.
We spend weeks surrounded by ads prompting us to say it with flowers, chocolate, jewelry, etc, but somehow, as a man, I can assure you, we don’t get it. We continue to only pay attention to beer commercials while subconsciously believing that we have this thing wired. Well, it is the uncommon man that knows how to cross the finish line, so to speak.
Whether you know it or not, next to her birthday or your anniversary, Valentines day is one of the biggest minefields that you will ever walk through. Disguised as a chance to bear gifts while expecting rewards in return, it is really a day where the fairer sex has an opportunity to subject the male counterpart to a stress test. A trial by a jury of one.
So, in an effort to assist my brothers in their quest for the true meaning of Valentines Day, I would like to offer a few Timely Tips that may help keep you off the couch.
Tip #1 A bag of M&M’s is not going to cut it if she hinted that she likes chocolate. You are going to have to step it up a few notches and spring for something that doesn’t say “Hershey” on it.
Tip #2 If she doesn’t already go to a spa, do not, repeat, do not buy her a gift certificate to one. She may hurt you.
Tip #3 Forget the Pajamagram’s. She is not going to be romantically inclined in a onesey with feet and a hood. And remember, the more difficult it is for her to put on, the more difficult it will be for you to remove.
Tip #4 If she says “Oh you shouldn’t have”, she is probably right.
Tip #5 Never never put a red bow on a blender.
Tip #6 Giving her a 12 pack of Bud arranged in the shape of a heart will not be met with a loving response, but it will give you something to drink after you are locked out of the bedroom.
Tip #7 Jewelry from Walgreen’s is never a good idea, especially if you give it to her in the plastic bag containing the sales slip.
Tip #8 If you tell her you are going to take her out for dinner and a show, do not take her to a sports bar with a wide screen.
Tip #9 A nice bottle of wine should not have a twist off top and be served in 12 oz plastic glasses. Somehow, it just kind of kills the moment.
Tip #10 If your gift is met with the phrase “what the hell were you thinking”, it’s safe to assume that you are not going to score.
I hope you find these helpful. And remember, if all else fails, don’t forget to say “I love you”. It won’t save you, but it will give her something to think about until she starts speaking to you again.
Republished as a service to all the guys out there who are marching unsuspectingly toward the abyss:)