Retirement Is Not For Wimps

Retirement, it turns out , is not for the faint of heart.  It’s hard work.  Those of you that are dreaming of the day, beware.  It does not mean long days sitting on the beach contemplating your belly button while sipping a beverage of choice.  Not even close.  Retirement simply means that you are not longer employed, outside the home. 

I came to this rude awakening shortly after I shed the traces.  My wife reminded me that WE hadn’t retired, I had.  She still had a full time job.  Fortunately however, she now had a full time employee.  It started with the ironing.  She has always hated to iron.  I was reminded every week for 37 years, so it was no surprise when that was the first thing to go.  Specifically she said “If you insist on buying all those cotton clothes that require ironing, then you can iron them.” Of course I magnanimously accepted the challenge since going naked was not an option.  It might be worth a try however.  It could go a long way toward changing her mind.

I hadn’t been home long before I found out what ‘rules of engagement’ really means.  The home had been her singular domain for all those years, and as such, rules had been established.  The bed had to be made every morning and I could help.  Vacuuming seemed like a natural since men like machines.  Toilets did not clean themselves, and dishes in the sink stayed dirty.   Slowly, it all began to sink in.  I hadn’t retired at all.  I had just changed career fields.  

Any of you that have ever held a position of responsibility from which you derive your self worth will know that the first thing you lose in this after life is respect.  She absolutely refused to call me Mr Quigley and my attempts at scheduling her activities met with dissension.  If one thinks that leadership skills are transferable to a domestic environment, one would be wrong.  Independent thought is frowned upon.  All decisions are open to discussion and/or cancellation.

One of my first forays into never never land was when I alphabetized all the jars in her spice rack.  That seemed logical to me.  However, I was given a crash course in Spices 101 where I learned that all spices are not used equally, meaning that some should be more easily accessible then others REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY FALL IN THE ALPHABET!!  OK.  I can take a hint.  So I moved on.  Next I inventoried the freezer and developed an Excel spreadsheet of the contents.  I don’t know why she hadn’t thought of that years ago, but she hadn’t, so I was glad to impart my knowledge.

It wasn’t long before we had “the talk”.  You know the one.  It’s when she says sweetly “I know you are trying to help, and I appreciate it.  But I have been doing this for a long time and have my own way of doing things.  So for now, why don’t you just do what I ask you to do.  You can be my Sexual Advisor.”  That sounded pretty good, so I asked what she meant by being her Sexual Advisor.  She said “When I want your f—ing advice, I’ll ask for it.

About oldmainer

I am a retired manager living in Southern Maine and a would be writer of poetry, narratives, short stories, and random opinions, and that's how Oldmainer was born. Recently, I decided to try an experiment. I added photography to the mix, using only a cheap cell phone with a limited camera and the editing software that came with it, and added the blog site Inklings at poormanspoet.wordpress.com to showcase the results. So, feel free to use whatever you find interesting or worthy, but please honor the terms of my copyright when and if you do. They may not be much, but they are still a piece of me. I appreciate your checking me out and hope that you find something that will encourage a return visit. Thanks for stopping by.
This entry was posted in Aging, Home, Humorous, Life, Random Thoughts, Retirement and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Retirement Is Not For Wimps

  1. quiall says:

    hahahahaha I LOVE HER!

    Like

  2. The punch line was worth the whole read – hilarious. I can’t wait for my husband to retire – sounds like win-win for me.

    Like

  3. laurie27wsmith says:

    Oh Bob, that is bloody priceless. My wife is still chuckling here.

    Like

  4. sknicholls says:

    Hahaha…you sound like my husband, he is practicing retirement now, but we don’t see eye to eye. I retired first, so my husband thinks I have all the time in the world to keep everything up, but I write…not just blog posts, but books. He takes two weeks off from work and sleeps all day so he thinks that must be what I am doing GEEEZ. I have some laundry, want to come over and help me do it?

    Like

  5. splitspeak says:

    Ahahahaha! lol! wow that’s such a great one to be used on Hamad. What wonderful stories you are sharing with us.

    Love, Mehak

    Like

  6. Theresa says:

    There is such a wealth of treasured information here, I don’t know where to start. Maybe back here on my home turf, I’ll work on my rules of engagement. Plus, to regain respect, perhaps I should think of it as you do, a “change in career fields.” But that Sexual Advisor position – that’s priceless. I don’t know how I missed this post the first time around, but I am sure glad you pointed me to it. Now I’ll send it along to my husband…

    Like

  7. quiall says:

    Have you ever considered putting your blog in book form and sharing with the rest of he world? “Retirement Is Not For Wimps” is a book I would buy!

    Like

    • oldmainer says:

      That’s kind of you to say. I would like to publish something someday. I was thinking of my poetry from poormanspoet.wordpress.com, but if I could string enough narratives, there might be something there. Have to think about that. Far be it from me to turn down a sale:)

      Like

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