The late comedian George Gobel once quipped “Do you ever feel like the world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes”? I thought it was funny then, but now I am not so sure. Lately, I have begun feeling like I am frequently zigging when everyone else is zagging.
Last week, while checking out of a big box hardware store, my Lowes card would not work when I swiped it. After three attempts the clerk asked if she could try. Handing her the card, she said, “sir, this is Home Depot.” Zig. Then she went on to say “I am authorized however, to give you the Lowes discount for presenting their card”. I smugly turned to my wife who gave me one of those “Don’t even try to tell me that you did that on purpose” looks.
Several months ago, I pulled the van out of the garage and parked it in the parking pad adjacent to our driveway. A couple of hours later, I backed my wife’s car out of the garage and right into the right front fender of the van. Zig. When I tried to explain to my insurance agent that there is a difference between an accident and an oversite, he just smiled and my rates went up anyway.
Then there is the problem of the changing dates. I occasionally volunteer to give a Saturday afternoon or two to lead tours and give talks at our local Historic One Room Schoolhouse. The last time I arrived to pull a shift, I was met by two ladies who looked at me strangely. Then one said “Where were you last Saturday? We had to fill in for you”. Zig.
I have never subscribed to conspiracy theories, but it does seem kind of strange that suddenly these things are happening to me. There has got to be a sinister plot afoot, and I will get to the bottom of it. I am the same guy today that I was ten years ago and none of these things happened to me then. I don’t care if my wife says she thinks I’m getting senile. Speaking of my wife, I wonder where she is. The last time I saw her we were at the grocery store. Oh No. Zig.